Beautiful Chaos

Hi again! It’s been a crazy almost two weeks since my last post. I went back to work October 21st and it’s been nothing short of a adjustment. I’m slowly beginning to realize that once you feel like you’ve finally got things down and think you might have things figured out slightly life will find another way to throw a curve ball at you. I had been back to work for less than a week when my son tested positive for Covid. Now tell me that’s not a huge adjustment to already having one! Him and I started experiencing symptoms the same exact day and it has been a challenge taking care of him and myself at the same time. He had RSV a few weeks ago and now Covid. The only difference is I wasn’t sick when he had RSV so it made it much easier to care for him. When I thought about topics for this week I originally started to write about one topic but I think this one resonates with me a little more this week, “separation”. Now I know you’re probably thinking what in the world could I mean by that word. Throughout this post I hope to give you a clear picture of exactly what I mean. With going back to work I have struggled so much with how I “should” feel. In my now many years of therapy (4 years and 3 months to be exact) I have been told should’s do not count. Yesterday I took an enneagram test and another personality test and they both had consistent results. I am very hard on myself and strive for perfection which means I tend to place extremely high and typically unrealistic rules and expectations on myself. This tends to create a lot of shoulds in my life. It is a rather vicious cycle because I tell myself I should or shouldn’t do or feel this way and when I don’t live up to that expectation I beat myself up, rinse and repeat. At the end of the day I’m learning to give myself grace and accept the fact that I truly am doing my best every day. However, this is not a straight path and sometimes I fall back in to those old patterns and have to remind myself I don’t have to be a victim of my thoughts. With going back go work I have honestly enjoyed going to work. Do I miss my son while at work? Absolutely no doubt in my mind yes. However, I enjoy having the separation we do. While I am away I get to have adult interaction, focus my energies into more than feedings and sleep schedules, and I get to be outside of my house. I honestly believe going back to work has done so much for my mental health. The night before I went back to work I cried and cried because I was so sad that our all day every day time spent together had came to an end. Once Friday morning came and I clocked in to start my shift I felt completely different. Not that I didn’t miss him but that I knew this is what works best for my son and I. A phone call on my lunch and text periodically throughout the day to check on him are enough to hold me over for the day until I get to come home to him and love on him for the evening. I also feel that the quality of our time in the evening is so much better because I realize how precious that time is because we don’t get much before bed time. After I had such a great day on Friday I questioned myself a lot as to what I should be feeling about the separation we are going to have. I felt guilty for having such a good day because I thought I should be more upset and sad.  I have since came to realize that the separation works for me and my son very well. For some moms it is not a good fit and that is okay as well. We are all different and have different needs so find what works best for you and your family! As for me and my son I need some separation to be the very best mommy I can be because he deserves nothing less. I am still a person outside of being a mom and just like he has needs so do I. It is okay to address and take care of those needs and it doesn’t make you a bad mom! I hope I have painted a clear picture of what that word means for me and how I am using it to become a better mom. Until next time!

 Ness